the societal paradox of wanting to fit the mold yet desiring to outshine others

Disclaimer: the purpose of this post is to explore the genesis of what drives us to want to alter ourselves, not to shame us for having these feelings in the first place.

There seems to be a subconscious, ever-present tension existing within humans to satiate their contradictory needs of acceptance and self-actualization. Both do not always lend themselves to one another, which poses the question: which is more important and is the desire to equally satisfy both a recipe for madness? Particularly with women but overall a societal issue, this phenomenon is seen especially in consumerism — a perfume, for example, is marketed for its ability to enrapture the senses of passerby’s and solidify you as a unique, mysterious enigma, yet this tactic is what draws so many in and eventually, it becomes a repetitive, monotonous scent, the very thing it originally claimed not to be.

It doesn’t take a psychological scholar to point out that we have a deep-seated need for connection, understanding and belonging, and when we don’t receive it, it can lead to a whole slew of undesirable feelings, like insecurity & isolation. However, when employing tools such as trend-following and conformity, we can be at risk for exchanging our unique potential & identities for social currency and standing. The problem is: which is more important, and is it even possible to balance both? Trends and societal expectations are an ever-changing hamster wheel with no end in sight, whereas finding comfort and stability within your own interests, wants, personality and self-expression is a self-guided experience where you are the sole judge & principal.

With the increasing accessibility for cosmetic procedures, there has been debates on where to draw the line on what is over-the-top work versus something with more positives than negatives that helps someone live a happier, more confident life. The margin of physical & aesthetic differences between women is becoming increasingly smaller as we all become more alike in looks to fit a very narrow, Western beauty standard. This is born out of the desire to be accepted and fit in yet also the desire to stand out as someone beautiful. These standards aren’t going away though, and it’s a mixed bag on where these insecurities come from — the media and magazines, yes — but before that, people still had insecurities before they were bombarded with beauty standards via technology. It’s human to pick yourself apart — the media just helps that process along, tenfold. If the media wasn’t to blame and insecurities came along organically, would the choice to get procedures or do anything, even something as simple as extensions or facials, still be judged and ridiculed by others? We are judged for being vain and caught up in frivolous, superficial things, yet there is no denying that women are taught from a young age that our looks will dictate our relationships, success and opportunities in this world. Yet we’re supposed to fight that indoctrination, when it is engrained in our minds by our teen years, and it’s hard to tell where our own desires for how we look begin and where the pressure from society ends. How much does it matter the ratio?

Currently, I’m reading the Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolff. I haven’t gotten far in, but she makes it very clear from the first few chapters that beauty is a social construct that has been weaponized against women for ages, to act as a conceptual high-security prison and keep them pre-occupied & oppressed during times of increasing female power & success. Especially with the encroaching presence of social media & photoshop in our lives, this flawless, otherworldly goddess that we have been prepped & primed to emulate is becoming more and more unattainable, sending women into a psychological, subconscious spiral that bleeds into our diets, our relationships, the media we consume, our clothes, our budgets, and more.

The heart of this post is to explore the juxtaposition of wanting to fit in yet wanting to stand out. Of course celebrities, with millions of dollars at their disposable, are more likely to reach these impossible levels of perfection with a full aesthetic team in their arsenal, but with the number of normal, working-class women getting these same procedures done, the gap between us and the elite is growing smaller in terms of looks, and with that, as a blanket statement, our physical individuality seems to be fading away. The hopes, originally, were to stand out in your local grocery store for having the starlet-like, pillowy lips or chiseled cheekbones. But now, since so many people are doing it, it’s more the norm than anything else. This phenomenon keeps the consumerism cycle going, with new standards of perfection being set as soon as the majority thinks they’ve made it to the final boss level.

Curiously, I’ve noticed that myself and the women around me seldom place this burden or cruel lens on the women around them. The crinkle by their grandmother’s wise eyes or their mother’s roman nose is beautiful in the most accurate sense of the world. These flaws are comforting, honest, and storytelling. Sun spots tell the story of days in the sunshine, by the beach as the waves crashed against the sand, and smile lines are a work of art, the result of years of joy. When the women in our lives complain about their wrinkles or extra weight, it pains us to think they look at themselves with such a critical perspective — all the while, we certainly do it to ourselves. In the Beauty Myth, Wolff even mentions how aging has been deemed the ultimate curse for women by society because with age comes wisdom and maturity, something that does not play into the hands of consumerism.

I wonder if any of you feel the same way about being bombarded with new standards to meet everyday and being haunted by them in your daily lives, yet still wonder where the line is for doing harmless, exciting things for your own self-confidence before it becomes psychologically detrimental. It seems like an impossible feat. We must either abandon the empty promise of full acceptance, a faraway concept yet to be completed by anyone, or abandon the most healed version of ourselves free from the confines of the beauty myth.